it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
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We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
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Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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