i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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