I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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