see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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