Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
