Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
