So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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