Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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