you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
