My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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