how can u be prego again
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
