Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
