now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
love makes seman taste better
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
