i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
