I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
