Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Randomize
