Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
