Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
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