You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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