I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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