She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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