Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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