Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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