I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
