Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
