You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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