I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
This is my gift to your gina
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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