Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
