Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
