dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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