she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
