i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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