Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Randomize
