can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
