i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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