so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
