My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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