did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
