i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
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