Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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