if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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