Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
