Sry I called you an 8
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
