Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
