He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
