The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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