i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
