Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
