if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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