Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
