Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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