I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
