Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
