I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
