with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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