oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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