I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
