My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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