apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
